My Father

My father is a mysterious individual. I honestly don’t know him that well. We haven’t developed a personal relationship, mainly just superficial. What I do know is that he went to the Navy right after high school to try and make a life for himself, yet he came back with a substance use disorder. He didn’t know that his young mind was not equipped to handle war, especially Vietnam. He didn’t know about the deep levels of discrimination he would face while trying to do a good thing and serve this country. He didn’t know that upon his discharge they would discard him like trash. It took decades for him to somewhat recover from this trauma and honestly, I don’t think he really ever will because he still has residual effects today. I haven’t spoken to my father in depth about his past and the years he suffered in addiction, as he is in recovery now and has been for the better of a decade or so. I think my fear is I will not get the answers I seek and it would cause me to become more distant. I fear that he may not know exactly why and that will cause more confusion. I fear that he may be honest and tell me something I do not know that will cause me more pain.

I have so many unanswered questions, but I do not actually know if I want the answers. I have not tried to have these hard conversations with him, nor has he tried to discuss past matters with me. We are both bull headed. Most people say visually I favor my mother, but I know some of my personality traits come from my father indeed. He is still alive, so maybe I have time or do I?