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In my life I have had several uncertain moments. Some were my doing and some were not. I didn’t have the words to describe that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t understand why my heart rate would increase. I didn’t understand why my palms would become sweaty. I didn’t know why my head would begin to pound. I let uncertainty stop me from going places, doing things and being involved. I didn’t know that mental health was at play. I didn’t have the knowledge about brain functions. I am learning. I am adapting. I am understanding. I am doing better than before.

Sometimes people see things in you that you don’t see yet. Sometimes people have insight that you don’t have. Sometimes people have experiences that you haven’t experienced and maybe you won’t experience. Sometimes you need help and don’t know or realize it. If you are fortunate you have people in your life that care, that show concern, that are attentive, that are present physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

The hard part is understanding that uncertainty does not always mean something bad. It does not always mean trouble is ahead. It does not always mean you will make the wrong decision. It sometimes is what it is and it will be ok, but that is hard when you have anxiety. Uncertainty brings out fear, stress, physical responses, emotional reactions and paranoia. It is the worst feeling of loss of control that sends you spiraling. At least for me.

What is burn out? Burn out is defined as cynicism, detachment, reduced professional ability, and exhaustion. Burn out occurs often amongst behavioral health professionals. We go 1000% daily, don’t take adequate time off work, work off the clock, answer calls and emails during off time. We are under valued and under paid and often don’t engage in our own self care. We often miss the initial signs until they are waving like red flags in the wind. We get so focused on “rescuing” or “saving” others that we forget to take care of the #1 client, OURSELVES! I will always remember the saying “you have to put on your mask first”. It is challenging sometimes to remember those words when you are in the thick of it, but it is extremely important. I know this because I found myself there a couple of weeks ago.

Although I still love what I do and where I do it, it had become somewhat monotonous and just unenjoyable. I found myself waking up at 4:30 am dreading going to work. I found myself staring at the computer screen saying why am I here. I found myself complaining more to my significant other about the job, my coworkers and my employer. I found myself no longer finding meaning in the work I was doing. I knew I needed to change something.

I took a week long vacation, the first time I had done that since working for this employer and actually TOOK a vacation. No emails, no calls, no checking the teams chat, nothing! I also went to the doctor to discuss how I was feeling and that is when I was diagnosed.

What is change? Merriam-Webster defines it as to make different in some particular, to make radically different, to give a different position, course, or direction to. Some of us do not adapt to change well, in fact most of us run from it and try to avoid it altogether. However, growth involves change and without change there is no growth. No matter how much we run from it, change is inevitable. Time changes, trends change and people change.

Change can be negative or positive (hopefully the latter). Change used to bring me anxiety. I would literally break out in hives, heartbeat racing and stomach in knots…just a mess! As I have gotten older change is still difficult, but I have learned how to navigate it a little better. I know that I NEED change. I know that I NEED to change. I know that change IS a part of growth, but that doesn’t mean that I WANT to change.

I believe that the most important part of change is acceptance and that has been challenging for me. I like who I am, I like what I do, I like my life, but am I living up to my full potential? Would change make me a better clinician, would change make me a better wife and mother, would change make me a better person? The answer to all of these is yes, yes and yes. I am starting to accept some changes, but I haven’t fully adapted to change in all areas of my life. I still have stubbornness, ego and unwillingness that stand in the way.

I continue to have mixed feelings about approaching my father about his history of substance use and finding out the why. There are days when I feel like I have the courage to ask, but never place the call. There are days when I get angry because I haven’t asked sooner. There are days when I feel like I should have been told and shouldn’t have to ask. There are days when I feel like I don’t want to know. I really don’t understand why I fret about this so much. Why can’t I be like Nike and “just do it”? So many questions and very few answers. Isn’t that life? People struggle with the realities of life and sometimes getting questions answered. We don’t ask the questions. Our fears sometimes outweigh our desire for answers and therefore we don’t pursue those answers. As I sit here I am in that boat and afraid to through out the anchor, so I keep coasting to the middle of nowhere.

Decisions are sometimes hard to make. We make decisions for a multitude of reasons. The decision to continue or stop. The decision to keep going or come to a halt. The decision to seek help or keep at it. We always make decisions and those decisions are and should be ours to make right? The decision to start a career in alcohol and drug studies came not necessarily because it was something I wanted to do. It was more something I felt I needed to do. While growing up I didn’t think so much about helping others, I was kind of thrown into it by life circumstances. I didn’t think about how helping others impacts their lives and mine. None of this came to mind. The question of why was always somewhere in the back in my mind subconsciously, but on the forefront I didn’t realize it was driving me here. So here I am and now what? I started off as support staff, then a counselor and now a clinical supervisor. I have made decisions in my career to keep thrusting me forward, but the decisions don’t just end there. They are ongoing and I find that sometimes they get more complicated and challenging.

By all accounts I should have been a drug addict. I was exposed to them. My parents and several family members were drug addicts. I have been offered drugs, even teased about the fact that I did not want to try them. I have been resilient. In part, this resilience is what led me to start a career in alcohol and drug studies. I started as support staff while continuing to attain my hours for certification, then I transitioned into counseling. Now I am a clinical supervisor overseeing other counselors. I love the work that I do. I love seeing the transition that people make. I love hearing the stories. I love seeing people recover from their past trauma. I love it all. I have been very fortunate in my career and I hope that I can continue to be a beacon of hope for those I service because I understand that sometimes that is all they have.