Tag: clinical supervisor

  • Change

    What is change? Merriam-Webster defines it as to make different in some particular, to make radically different, to give a different position, course, or direction to. Some of us do not adapt to change well, in fact most of us run from it and try to avoid it altogether. However, growth involves change and without change there is no growth. No matter how much we run from it, change is inevitable. Time changes, trends change and people change.

    Change can be negative or positive (hopefully the latter). Change used to bring me anxiety. I would literally break out in hives, heartbeat racing and stomach in knots…just a mess! As I have gotten older change is still difficult, but I have learned how to navigate it a little better. I know that I NEED change. I know that I NEED to change. I know that change IS a part of growth, but that doesn’t mean that I WANT to change.

    I believe that the most important part of change is acceptance and that has been challenging for me. I like who I am, I like what I do, I like my life, but am I living up to my full potential? Would change make me a better clinician, would change make me a better wife and mother, would change make me a better person? The answer to all of these is yes, yes and yes. I am starting to accept some changes, but I haven’t fully adapted to change in all areas of my life. I still have stubbornness, ego and unwillingness that stand in the way.

  • Mixed feelings

    I continue to have mixed feelings about approaching my father about his history of substance use and finding out the why. There are days when I feel like I have the courage to ask, but never place the call. There are days when I get angry because I haven’t asked sooner. There are days when I feel like I should have been told and shouldn’t have to ask. There are days when I feel like I don’t want to know. I really don’t understand why I fret about this so much. Why can’t I be like Nike and “just do it”? So many questions and very few answers. Isn’t that life? People struggle with the realities of life and sometimes getting questions answered. We don’t ask the questions. Our fears sometimes outweigh our desire for answers and therefore we don’t pursue those answers. As I sit here I am in that boat and afraid to through out the anchor, so I keep coasting to the middle of nowhere.

  • Decisions

    Decisions are sometimes hard to make. We make decisions for a multitude of reasons. The decision to continue or stop. The decision to keep going or come to a halt. The decision to seek help or keep at it. We always make decisions and those decisions are and should be ours to make right? The decision to start a career in alcohol and drug studies came not necessarily because it was something I wanted to do. It was more something I felt I needed to do. While growing up I didn’t think so much about helping others, I was kind of thrown into it by life circumstances. I didn’t think about how helping others impacts their lives and mine. None of this came to mind. The question of why was always somewhere in the back in my mind subconsciously, but on the forefront I didn’t realize it was driving me here. So here I am and now what? I started off as support staff, then a counselor and now a clinical supervisor. I have made decisions in my career to keep thrusting me forward, but the decisions don’t just end there. They are ongoing and I find that sometimes they get more complicated and challenging.

  • Career Choice

    By all accounts I should have been a drug addict. I was exposed to them. My parents and several family members were drug addicts. I have been offered drugs, even teased about the fact that I did not want to try them. I have been resilient. In part, this resilience is what led me to start a career in alcohol and drug studies. I started as support staff while continuing to attain my hours for certification, then I transitioned into counseling. Now I am a clinical supervisor overseeing other counselors. I love the work that I do. I love seeing the transition that people make. I love hearing the stories. I love seeing people recover from their past trauma. I love it all. I have been very fortunate in my career and I hope that I can continue to be a beacon of hope for those I service because I understand that sometimes that is all they have.

  • If….

    Sometimes, I sit and think of what my life would have been if. If both my parents weren’t addicts. If I would have taken that scholarship to The University of Texas. If I would have not become a teenage mother. If I would have not wasted 17 years in a marriage that was going downhill. If I would have stayed living in Texas and not moved back to California. If I would have chosen the addiction field to start my career in, instead of education. So many ifs that will go unanswered. Then the thought of if I would have learned what I know about addiction sooner, if I could have really made a difference in my parents life. I believe the answer to that is no, so I can relinquish that responsibility. However, today as I serve my clients in a clinical supervisor role I do wonder if the work I have done is making a difference and the answer to that is a big fat YES. That I am sure of, if nothing else.

  • Am I ready?

    Since staring my blog the overwhelming feeling of wanting some answers from my father has been ever present. I don’t know exactly the questions I want to ask yet, though. Of course some of the what, when, how and where questions, but other than that I am not sure. Knowing me I would probably create a list of them, but I don’t want it to seem like an interrogation. I also hope that the conversation can be open and honest, because that is the part that stresses me the most. I fear that a less than sincere conversation will split an already delicate relationship irreparably apart. Maybe that is why all these years I have left this topic on the shelf.

    I keep telling myself that I am open to exploring this unknown part of my life. I keep telling myself that this will bring me the closure I need. I keep telling myself that I can do this. I keep telling myself to do this….will I have the courage to. Am I ready? Is the real question.

  • Just thinking

    I always wondered what life would have been if addiction didn’t exist in my family. Would my parents have stayed together? Would my parents have succeeded at being US Postal Workers (more about that in another post)? Would my family have stayed together, instead of residing in different states? Would this. Would that. Questions I know I won’t get the answers to, yet still I wonder. Do you wonder about what could have been without addiction?

  • Lightbulb moment

    After my mother passed away from an overdose, I decided that the whys I had about addiction needed to be answered (to some extent). I decided that I wanted to know more. I enrolled in college and earned my degree in human services with a certification in alcohol and drug studies. My first employment opportunity was working in residential treatment. I worked for a company as support staff working in detox, PHP and IOP modalities. My opinion about addiction didn’t change that much initially. I still had the notion that addiction was somewhat a choice. That if addicts would just stay away from drugs, those who use drugs and change their environment they could conquer their addiction. In a sense that would be true, however it wouldn’t change the cravings, the urges and the thoughts. I hadn’t fully grasp the idea that addiction was a disease just yet.

    After being support staff for a couple months I was given the opportunity to become a counselor (of course that was the goal all along) and that would be the beginning of an incredible journey of learning, compassion, understanding and discovery.

  • Interview

    I recently did an interview with Pathways to Recovery

    https://open.spotify.com/episode/1gvSxTgKgwWKMdXVSrMRDh?si=gbSN3HL-QXeI1YYaqP1XWg

    I was a little anxious, nervous and unsure about rather I really wanted to face my reality head on and in public. Some may say well you have a public blog, but on my blog I control the narrative. I can delete words, but on camera there are no do overs.

  • Lack of knowledge and understanding

    I am thankful that I did not develop a substance use disorder. By all accounts I should have, but my resilience is strong. I didn’t have to engage in it to know it was not for me. I saw the devastation, I lived the devastation and am a product of the devastation. When I was a child I didn’t understand addiction. I didn’t know what it was. I thought you could just stop using. I thought you should be able to understand how important life is. I thought you should put your children before your addiction, boy how wrong was I. Addiction ravishes everything in your life. I know there are people who believe that they control their addiction, but those are lies they tell themselves. Denial, ambivalence, ignorance these are all parts of addiction. I used to be embarrassed by terms like crack head and dope fiend. I used to be very critical of drug addicts. I had the mindset like so many others “Why can’t you just stop?”. I am not sure that I would have sought the answer to that question had it not been for my mother’s overdose.

    In fact it wasn’t until I moved back to California from living in Texas that I even gave that question some real thought. That is when I began to become involved in the recovery community. At this time my father had coordinated an NA group at his place of worship. I attended a few times, just to see what it was all about. This was the first time that I heard part of his story. This was the first time that I heard about how addiction affected his life. I was honestly shocked. Before hearing his story, I thought his absence was for more selfish reasons. I had so many thoughts when I was younger. My lack of knowledge and understanding about addiction caused me to treat him poorly and unfairly. It caused me to be mean and disrespectful. It caused me to think and believe things that weren’t true.